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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23888413">I am made of lost hope and forgotten dreams</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iamamessofawriter/pseuds/Iamamessofawriter'>Iamamessofawriter</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Keeper of the Lost Cities Series - Shannon Messenger</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alvar is a little bit less of an asshole in this, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bet you can tell theres no beta, F/M, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, I wrote the first half of this just after Neverseen came out, Its like 1 am, M/M, Sophie Foster/Keefe Sencen(One Sided), Thats actually unrequited, Two Shot, Unrequited Love, big sorry, no beta we die like men, quarantine's just like that, tam/keefe if I get my shit together, then waited five years to complete it</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 15:48:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,514</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23888413</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iamamessofawriter/pseuds/Iamamessofawriter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Sophie can't know" That's the first thing Keefe thinks when he coughs up the light brown lily.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Keefe Sencen/Tam Song, Sophie Foster/Keefe Sencen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I am made of lost hope and forgotten dreams</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello, I just want to preface this by saying that some of the events I'm describing in this, especially what's happening in Lodestar and Legacy, might be wrong. I've only read both of those books once, and it was a pretty boring read, so the events haven't really stuck in my mind. If you notice anything, please point it out to me. Hope you enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sophie could never know. That's the promise that Keefe had made years ago, back before the black swan, before the Neverseen, and all the messy feelings that went with that. The promise that he had made the first time he had heaved over in the middle of his room, desperately coughing. His throat had felt clogged, something blocking his airway, cutting off all oxygen. When he had first spat out the light brown lily, he had almost retched again, purely for the horror he saw. The flower was beautiful,  brown petals shining with gold flecks, dark threads of black running through the flower. But he knew what it meant. Knew the future that awaited him. And had promptly thrown himself down, tears leaking out of his eyes as he crushed the delicate lily.</p><p>Hanakai disease was something that was mostly hidden in the elven world, desperately crushed below the false sense of peace, the shining buildings, the glittering trees. But everyone still seemed to know of it. When love was unrequited, the lover could fall… ill. They would cough up flowers the color of the longed-for one's eyes, blood often following. And, of course, the diseased rarely lived until their late teens. </p><p>Keefe could never tell anyone. His parents wouldn't care, they rarely did in the first place. He could see the way Fitz and Dex looked at Sophie, felt the way Sophie's heart burned near Fitz. He couldn’t risk losing them. There wasn't anyone else he trusted nearly enough to tell. So he hid it, making up excuses whenever he felt something coming, avoiding questions. But the worst part was, that occasionally, it stopped. Like when they were with the Black Swan, with those late nights laughing and the hard days spent crying. No lilies came up during those few short months, and for once, Keefe had hope. Hope that maybe he would live beyond 18, maybe he could live a normal life without constant fear someone would find out his secret. <br/>The second he joined the Neverseen he started to feel something coming up his throat.</p><p>Of course, his time in the Neverseen was the worst out of all. With almost constant surveillance, it was nearly impossible to find somewhere to cough up the flowers. So people found out. </p><p>The first was Alvar. Him being first came to no surprise, as they were roommates and all. One night, when neither of them could sleep, Keefe felt the sudden sense of horror taking over as a flower pushed its way up his throat. He didn't have time to run, and couldn't possibly push them down. He felt multiple, and his whole body was shaking as he leaned over the side of the bed. As Keefe desperately shook and coughed up flowers, Alvar looked on in horror. By the time the last petal dropped and blood followed, Alvar was up and rubbing his back. He looked almost… sympathetic. After that, they never really talked about it, but Keefe noticed Alvar excusing him when he got that tell-tale look on his face.  He didn't know whether to feel grateful or not. He chose to feel nothing instead</p><p>He got out eventually, but then he was thrown into a crumbling castle and Forkle was dying. He couldn't do anything when Sophie cried into his chest except for pushing down the burning in his chest. Stay strong, he thought, after he had found Alvars old hideout, and tried to make it his home. He pushed his fingernails into his palms until crescent-shaped wounds surfaced and he choked on lilies. He tried to ignore the burning that never ceased in his heart.</p><p>It still stopped again, sometimes. When Sophie was leaning over him as he bled out, desperately pushing petals into his wound. He could see the light reflecting in her eyes, lighting up colors of amber and gold. The burning in his heart had ceased, just for a moment. He passed out before he had time to fully appreciate it.<br/>. . .</p><p>The Princess found out on the first day. He had been lying in bed, dramatically recalling every prank he's pulled in hopes to annoy her. He had been telling her about the gulon he had planted in Dame Alina's desk at the beginning of his 3rd year when he remembered that was also the day he met Sophie. His voice had trailed off, an old feeling of nostalgia filling him. His mind conjured up the memory of her lost expression, the way her shoulders had hunched and her hair hid her face. He remembered his feeling of amazement at her, the burning in his heart not yet recognized for what it was. He was too lost in his memories to feel the flowers clawing their way up his throat until he was choking on his own blood. Ro had rushed over, her posture ready for a fight as he heaved over the side of the bed. She stopped short as the amber petals fell out of his mouth. He was sure she knew what Hannakai was, what it meant, but he had no idea what she thought of it. The other intelligent species rarely spoke about Hannakai to them, and even then, it was in secret, only between friends. </p><p>“Blondie, huh?” Ro’s gravely voice had him snapping his head up, glaring at where she looked down with a raised eyebrow. He tried to put a warning behind his glare, but by her unimpressed stare, he had failed.</p><p>“You can’t tell her,” He said, sitting up. His fingers fiddled with the petals he’d managed to catch in his hands, running his thumbs over the gold lines snaking through them. His mind was running through every scenario he could think of, conjuring a world where Ro told Sophie, and Sophie laughed in his face and left. His thoughts couldn’t help but go to her and Fitz, leaving in the sunset as he choked on flowers. <br/>He was ripped out of his thoughts by the Princess’s harsh bark of laughter. He narrowed his eyes at her, looking up to where she was standing. Her lip was curled back in a mockery of a smile. </p><p>“I won’t tell, kid. But get over it, I can’t have my charge dying in a couple of years.” Keefe blinked, surprise shooting through him. Did she seriously not care? His eyes searched her face but found no sign of hate or disgust or anything. And she just told him to get over it. Like it’s that easy, he scoffed, shaking his head. I would have gotten over her years ago if I could. <br/>. . .<br/>The day Sophie and Fitz kissed for the first time was a painful one. He had been outside, on the beach near the Shoars of Solace (the Waves of Wimpiness). He had been content, at the moment, happy and laying in the sun. The pain had snuck up on him, creeping into his limbs and lungs. The burn in his heart had turned into an inferno, pushing blood-covered flowers up his throat. He remembered suffocating while laying the sand, spasming as he choked on his own blood and feelings. Ro had run over, picked him up and moved him until he faced the sand. His blood felt on fire, a never-ending stabbing sensation in his mouth as vines grew from the flowers. He didn't know how long he stayed while being held up by Ro, but he knew it was long enough for him to go numb. Long enough for him to pass out.<br/>He had woken up eventually, consciences clawing its way back. The smell of blood invaded his smell, but it was unimportant to the ache in his heart. The burn that had resided in his chest had left, replaced by an ache that felt like muscle soreness. Expect a hundred times more pain. It consumed his mind, and he felt like he was drowning in it, getting lost in the pain. And then a splash of water hit his face. </p><p>“Your awake,” Ro said, leaning over him with a bottle of youth in one hand. He let out a low groan, an aching hand coming up to obscure his eyes. He heard Ro continue but did not focus on her. Couldn't focus on her. He sat up in a panic reaching out to grip her forearm as blackness covered what he could see. He took a quick breath before asking with stumbled words.</p><p>“Did you tell anybody? Anybody, even my friends?” He rushed out, his eyes widening. Ro’s face softened an infinitesimal amount as she pried his fingers off her arm. She silently shook her head as she laid him back down with a gentleness he didn't know she possessed. He sighed in relief, before letting the tiredness that had been on the edge of his conscience consume him.<br/>. . .<br/>They went back to the dwarven underground to prepare for an attack. His mother was there. They were betrayed. He was forced onto that terrible seat with the crown. The last thing he remembered was Sophie's voice in his mind.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Please leave your thoughts and criticism below. Hope you have a nice day!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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